Last night I forced myself to go out and ended up at a friend’s house at midnight crying at how down I had spiralled in such a short period of time. They didn’t know what to say, but then not many people do. Anyway, them sitting there saying nothing was better than patting my hand and going “it will all be alright”. That’s one of the most unhelpful things anyone can say. Obviously it’s not going to be alright. I’m depressed, not dumb.
Anyway last night I decided to put myself back on Dexamethasone (which was confirmed today as the correct decision by my psychiatrist) and I am feeling better. I had a migraine most of today, and there’s nothing like physical pain to kill mental pain. I even did quite a bit of work. Other than my continual eating I am almost back to normal - I even tidied the lounge room (all the other rooms are a mess - tomorrow I plan to tidy the kitchen).
It’s now 2.30am and I am watching Rage - all the video clips to all the angry songs I used to listen to when I was in my early twenties. Tool, Rage against the machine, Marilyn Manson, Smashing Pumpkins, Soundgarden, Live etc. Maybe it’s just me, but there seem to be a few videos with child abuse themes. Or maybe that’s not right, it’s just I identify with these songs so very much (despite not listening to them for five odd years), and I identified with them back then, but back then I didn’t know why. It was all so obvious yet I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.
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