Ever meet someone who thought they were much bigger than they actually are? I’ve heard all sorts of terms used when referring to it, like body dismorphia, misconception, & I’ve heard it linked to eating disorders as well. Well, I don’t have an eating disorder- I like food too much to not eat it, I’m too price conscience to eat & then waste it by throwing it back up, & I’m too vain to get into force feeding myself to gain tons of weight… well, ok, I gained a lot of weight, but that was over my lifetime so far. So I don’t have a disorder like those, but I still feel like I’ve got an issue. I’ve watched shows where the hosts asked the woman they were with to place themselves between two women (brought in by the show) that they felt were just above their size, & just below their size- the women always place themselves several sizes larger than they actually are- & they don’t necessarily have a disorder either.
I’ve always had large thighs- since I can remember really. I remember myself as always being one of the middle sized to larger girls in my grade school years. My weight has always been pretty evenly distributed- that good ol’ hour glass figure of mine- but my thighs, once examined when I sat down, were clearly where a lot of the weight was. With an hour glass figure, your pants never fit your waist- your thighs & hips flare out more, so you need pants that fit those, & as a result, your smaller waist floats in a much larger waist band- especially when you’re over weight. This is normally why I went for low rise jeans & hip huggers- I didn’t have to worry about a waist area. Now that I’ve lost a lot of weight- 36 pounds as of this morning- my pant sizes are smaller, as I mentioned in a previous post. Now it stands to reason, that if my pants are smaller, that means my thighs are fitting into them, so my thighs have shrunk.
Only one problem.
I don’t feel like my thighs have gotten any smaller. It’s crazy, because I know they have- I’ve dropped so many pant sizes, there’s no way they could still be the same size. But despite my logic & my brain telling me they’ve gotten smaller, I look in the mirror & still feel like I’m the same size from before I lost all the weight. Crazy, right? I never considered that I’d have an issue like this in front of the mirror- that I would look at it & see something other than what really is. I’ve heard that it’s because I’ve been looking at myself every day & as a result, can’t see the before & after difference so easily- unlike others who don’t see me for months at a time. But this explanation isn’t really making me feel any better.
When I look in the mirror, & when I walk around the house & am around friends & family, I don’t feel any smaller than when I did before. & I think that’s adding to the issue as well. I feel like my body mass, or the amount of space I take up is still the same. I guess I just thought that when I lost so much weight I would feel smaller. Thing is, I don’t. Not only that, I’m feeling the effects of being smaller without feeling smaller. Which sucks! & when I say that, what I mean is I’m feeling like I’m less capable of taking care of myself. When I was around 180 pounds, I knew that if a man attacked me, I could use my weight to my advantage & then run. Even though I was that heavy, I’ve been known to outrun people when they chased me. But now, I know I’m 143 pounds- so close to my initial goal- 13 pounds close- & I know there’s no way that my current weight is gonna do much damage to anyone- or even make them stumble backwards. Chances are, I’d bounce right off of an attacker. Strange as it sounds, I actually feel kinda cheated- I mean, here I loose all of this weight, & feel like I’ve actually lost an advantage in a fight (not that I ever WANT to be in a fight, but you know what I mean), & instead of feeling joy over my smaller size- which I know I am, but just can’t see, I feel disadvantaged!
I know I’m a size 6. I know that’s smaller than I ever thought I could be. & to be honest, I’m still kinda shell shocked that I’m under a size 10. I don’t know when it’s going to sink in, but I’m looking forward to that day. But for now, I’m feeling small in the not fun way- like I’ve lost the ability to protect myself, but don’t feel like I’ve gotten any smaller. Anyone else ever have this problem? It’s frustrating. But then, that’s why I have protective friends with martial arts training I guess… Maybe I should consider buying some pepper spray & taking a class or two. But for now, I guess I just have to keep pushing forward & then one day, hopefully, my smaller size will sink in.
Until then, feeling larger than life but still sincerely,
Kim
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