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I couldn’t sleep very well last night…I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t breathe, I was snot filled all night, there is a rattling constricted thing going on with every wheezing, labored breath I take….I swear to God, I’m right out of some death scene in a movie!
I’m all for a good death scene, I mean, I got one coming up at some point…but I’d rather not do it right now if it’s all the same to you.
First thing I did when I got up this morning was to pat myself on the back for working out really hard yesterday and for swimming last night!
Oh! I almost forgot! Mr. Trainer complimented me TWICE about how hard I worked too! He’s seen the attitude shift! I told him, “I’ve learned GRIT, if nothing else!”
I don’t think that the cold outdoor night swimming hurt me that much last night…I mean, once I was in the water I felt REALLY warm…that water WAS warm compared to the air!
And I’m sure that the circulation that exercising created in my body was beneficial to me.
Plus, swimming is really relaxing to the entire body, so I probably slept better than I would have, had I not.
So after saying “Good job, Jayson”, I wrote the blog for yesterday. I just wasn’t feeling up to it last night, and I needed to go to bed.
And between 10a and now (6 hrs.), it’s all been about my Business:
Promotionally, I have:
- Created a Mock Up of my ad for the graphic designer
- Created detailed instructions for the graphic designer to create my ad (I have to go through a middle man at the magazine)
- Created two versions of the new picture, cropped and uncropped
- Attached two different past ads for reference
- Attached my logo
- Wrote and emailed my account manager new text for an additional ad in the back of the newspaper
- Wrote and emailed the spa my new custom written bio for their website, along with my photo
- Called my account manager and asked for an extension of my payment this week
- Conducted a blast email poll to decide between the two new headshots
- Scheduled future marketing opportunities on upcoming Saturdays
- Answered the phone and dealt with a sleazy guy asking for “Gentlemen massages” from a female therapist
- Scheduled another massage for Mr. Trainer’s wife
- Updated Logs: Mileage, Money Spent, Money Earned & Client Birthdays
- Emailed the signage company regarding adding my logo to the A-frame outside my office
- Updated and saved new spa information that I need to know to work there
- Scheduled additional training for the spa, to learn some more specifics
Chore wise, I have:
- Dropped off a check to Billy for my Costco groceries
- Checked my bank accounts, made financial decisions
- Brushed the dogs & cats
- Picked up the dog stuff on the deck
- Emailed my trainer the new workout, for his review
At this point, I think it’s okay to be tired. I have been really productive today.
And while I’m at it, I think it’s okay to lay in bed the rest of the day and get some rest…I need to get better. I may practically be able to still move and think, but I’m pretty slow right now.
I’ve done a lot of work, and my job is to get well. If I rest today, I can do an hour of cardio tomorrow along with my Heavy day of weights. It’ll probably feel GOOD by tomorrow to move around like that.
For now, I’d like to work on some song lyrics for my Godfather’s Birthday (I’m writing a song for him, with Billy).
Or perhaps I’ll watch a movie, or just lie down, relax and TRY to keep all the contents of my nose OUT of my mouth….ACHOO!
Oohh…that hurt…
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Yo. Well, I watched some of “Temple Grandin” again…what an awesome movie. I really like how she says “Different, not less.”
I always feel “Different” and I always used to feel “less.” Now I know there is a difference.
The end of my nose is red and raw and I still sound like I’m trying to breathe through a snorkel that’s way too small…
I have done 2 more revisions, another poll, and weathered at least 4-5 really critical responses to my possible ad. You gotta have a tough skin to be a business owner and to put your picture out there.
CRITICISMS:
- My eyebrows are too thick
- My eyebrows are freakishly dark
- My eyebrows are terrible
- The picture is too much of a close up, and so it doesn’t show how handsome my face is….(oxymoron??)
- The graphics and pictures in the ad are nice, but too busy. Move some stuff around.
- I use way too many “!” and it looks unprofessional. (Happy is unprofessional? Enthusiastic is unprofessional? Hmm….)
REBUTTALS/ACCEPTANCE:
- Yes, my makeup was heavy
- Yes, the makeup HAD to be heavy for the Black and White shoot and the amount of light that was on me
- Yes, my eyebrows do look rather manicured and perfectly strong: However, at actual ad size, they look well defined, not freakish like they do at full size.
- I think the close up is what is needed to look into my eyes and say “I trust that guy to give me a massage.”
- The graphics were too busy, and it’s getting fixed as we speak.
- If people don’t like the amount of “!’s” that I use, who needs ‘em? I am obnoxiously hyper, happy. It’s me. If clients don’t like the “!’s”, they won’t like me anyway!
Well, I guess that’s it. Hubby got home, I went downstairs and asked him if he was going to be nice and supportive, sympathetic and compassionate…because when I called him a little while ago he answered the phone by saying “What?!”
I didn’t know how to respond to that…so I just said “Sorry for bothering you,” and hung up.
So I, in my sick state, threw a pity party and cussed at him. Great.
But frankly, if I didn’t have his support before, I wasn’t going to get it now, so screw him.
I’ll take care of my own damn self…even if I’m sick.
Is it the infection talking, or am I just tired of Hubby acting like a selfish F#&$*r everytime he feels like it, and not putting me first when I really need him?
Eh, probably both.
It just got to me, because he was sick a couple of weeks ago, and I took his temperature every 2 hours, and fed him pills, and made him breakfast, and fetched his water….
HE comes home today and it’s MY turn to be sick: He doesn’t even say hello, and when I say “I really need you to be nice and compassionate…you hurt my feelings when you answered the phone all rough earlier…he turns mute and ignores me.
Ignores me! I can handle anything but to be ignored! Tell me you love me, hate me, get out, come here, not now, be right with you, give me a second….but to ignore me? F*#$ YOU!
Pardon my French. I REALLY don’t like cussing…it’s SO who I USED to be….and when I have these moments, I can still go back there…
My Mom used to do that…you’d know she’s angry because she’d cuss up a storm….but I don’t want to be like that!
However, I’m SO not putting up with any BS from Hubby tonight. Help me, or stay out of my way…
Well, there I am. Completly imperfect, petty, insecure and still sick as a dog. But I’m trying.
Night.
Jayson!
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I hate to add this late note…but things are a little sad for me.
Hubby’s attitude problem is not new, nor is the source of it.
Hubbyseems to feel that no matter how much I improve, the other shoe is eventually going to drop…and he’s counting the minutes and hours until it does.
He’s just waiting for me to mess up…he doesn’t believe in me. It’s as simple as that.
We’ve talked about this before, and here it is again. What can I do when I’m married to someone who doesn’t have any faith in me?
I know he’s been through my addiction cycles before, I know that he’s felt abused, neglected, smothered and then abandoned….but not for the last 8 weeks.
I’m on Week 8! This isn’t some “Baby, I promise I’m GONNA change, you’ll see!”
This is a “I’m am changing exponentially! Why can’t you see that and be happy with me?”
In the past he’s said he’s very supportive, we’ve discussed triathlons, and healthy living, and he’s given me cooking lessons…things were positive…
But now, just as I’m finally growing up and throwing off the yoke of childish behavior and low self expectations…this is where he thinks about throwing the towel in?
I just don’t understand. If you’ve been through all the bad, don’t you want to experience the good?
What did you hang onto through all the bad, if not the hope that things will get better, and that growth will happen? Isn’t that what he wanted? For me to grow up?
Well, it’s no mystery what I said to him. I said:
”I’m worth hanging onto! Feel what you need to feel, but use your Grit! I am learning how to be gritty with financial stuff, and practical follow through…use yours to Believe in your marriage!”
The rest is up to him. I’m just going to keep on doing what I’m doing, growing, improving, networking, working hard, and NEVER giving up on myself again.
Because you know what? I’m the only one who can choose to believe in me all the time. And I’m the only one who can save me.
Night.
J.
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