Wow…I ran 27 minutes straight! Since I felt so good, I decided to run 3 more minutes at 5.1.
Double wow…I made it below 250 lbs. for my official weigh-in. The last time I was in the 247 pound range was in 2006. So awesome! So that means I need to lose about 2.5 pounds per week to hit the 240 goal at the end of the month. I can do this, I can do this.
But what is a long weekend if there is no over indulgence??? Yesterday, I way over did it. My weight is up again. My belly is full from all the crap I ingested yesterday (for real…I have only had a bagel and some gummy bears and some coffee and I feel like I want to puke).
How am I coping with that? I am pissed off. I am pissed because I knowingly did it. I was not craving anything per se, but it just sounded like “fun” to eat bread and cheese….and Doritos…and a Root Beer Float…and…oh, enough. I would’ve been content with Medifast. I skipped my Sunday and Monday workouts (Sunday, I was working; Monday, I was having fun with the man).
There is another layer beyond the anger and that is disappointment and fear. I am disappointed that I did not try harder and did not listen to myself more and just make the sacrifice. I felt as if I could get away with eating whatever I wanted since the next official weigh-in was in 7 days. I could hold myself accountable for things later in the week. I am afraid that this will mean I will not make my 240 goal, that this will be the start of the downward spiral and that this will mean that I am a failure for not reaching it.
It’s fucking scary. It’s eating me up a lot. But I have to get on the treadmill today. I have to run 30 minutes straight. It will make me feel so good. It will remind me of how strong I am now as opposed to 8 weeks ago. I have to just move on and let this be in the past. This incident will be a minor setback in a big picture and I may not remember the specifics forty pounds from now.
But I have to remember this lesson. I have to remember this feeling. I cannot repeat this. It is too damn scary.
So…bitter….sweet.
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